NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover