I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.