When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
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Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
From my Mom
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.