The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?