[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*