<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
You Might Also Like
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I can’t wait!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.