It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I already tried new things thanks.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
This anagram machine is out of order.