Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate