Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology