coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?