I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
You Might Also Like
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My blood type is coffee.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie