No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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But is it really??
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Still my favourite meme.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”