“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

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“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.


I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.


If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.


I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.


Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.


*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”


The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.


Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.


ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha