“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.