“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
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“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand