@fillthevacuum

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

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@beefman138

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@LuvPug

If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.

@PanettaSexyTime

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@Spaziotwat

*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha