I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.