Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
You Might Also Like
I didn鈥檛 know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Perfection.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what鈥檚 wrong with their lives when I鈥檒l do it for free.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
馃幎 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 馃幎
the three branches of government
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Dear Diary, someone鈥檚 sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that鈥檚 great, any hobbies?
I don鈥檛 understand the question
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he鈥檇 given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad鈥檚 tractors.
If robots are so smart, why can鈥檛 my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I鈥檓 ready when you are
don鈥檛 let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they鈥檒l agree to
[party city]
employee: you don鈥檛 work here鈥攚hy are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I鈥檝e got stock holmes syndrome
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we鈥檙e playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
5: There鈥檚 a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don鈥檛 live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.