Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.