Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
This could’ve been an email.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.