Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift