At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.