I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.