Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
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Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.