CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
incredible
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.