My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
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Well, my evening plans are ruined
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.