Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My god she’s good.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.