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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Stick it to the man
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Midwest trash talk
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page