You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
You Might Also Like
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’M CRYINGGG
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.