I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
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when u come home smelling like another dog
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I drew y’all a little something.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.