the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
You Might Also Like
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’