4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It’s an epidemic…
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”