Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
me refusing to leave twitter
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Ha.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon