I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.