Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*