This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.