[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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Weirdly Wednesday.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.