Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Effort made
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.