Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Merry Christmas
Batman v Dracula
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine