You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt