You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.