Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
You Might Also Like
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.