Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You Might Also Like
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Had a spot of bother earlier.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.