Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
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Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car