It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll