WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
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Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Tier 3 meme
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.