Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
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Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Am getting real tired of your crap…
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short