Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too