god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
WHY would you be happy about this?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby