Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts