*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
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[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
#Caturday
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.