“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
