I love art.
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
dictator is short for richard potato
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view