[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Driving in Europe vs Canada
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.